Some folks just love fall and all the “crisp” weather, the smell of dead leaves and all the pumpkin spice bullsh*t. I used to love fall too, but that was before my love affair with summer. I don’t exactly hate fall — I mean it’s pretty and all — but to me all the bare trees and chilly weather are a harbinger of long, dark days and months. And a reminder, since I live in Montana, that I won’t see the sun again until next year. Ugh.
But, hey, it’s here. And just like last year and the millions of years prior, no one asked me if I’m ready for fall or how I feel about it. Like all things in life, I can’t control the seasons – all I can control is how I react to it. So here is my guide for ushering in fall…
Image via Flickr
Who am I kidding? It doesn’t need to be a specific time of year to add booze to my routine. My grandpa used to have a saying about dealing with the holidays: “I’m going to get coked up and I’m going to stay coked up.” I assumed “coke” meant booze since blow wasn’t Grandpa’s style. This is exactly how I feel about fall and the impending winter. Don’t judge me. I’ll wait until 3:00 in the afternoon like all other disciplined Americans, but after that why don’t you go right ahead and pass the red wine and/or the hot whiskeys.
Image via Flickr
Like many other uterus carrying people, fall used to mean baking banana bread, apple pies and pumpkin spice whatever. It took me a lot of years to figure out I can get that homey whiff associated with such baked items by burning a candle. That was about 10 years ago. I haven’t turned my oven on since. So, if you want to do fall the correct (and super lazy) way, buy candles that make your house smell like you’ve been baking all day.
Bonus candle feature: They make your house look all warm and cozy, which in turn, makes you look all domestic and shit.
I. Hate. Cold. Feet. And I refuse – refuse – to go through another fall/winter with nursing home feet. So (well before the first day of fall), I sashayed my cold blooded self to Costco and bought the most amazing addition to my wardrobe in years – women’s wool socks. They’re light, cute and best of all – WARM. I splurged on two packages (because laundry). Treat yo self.
Look, that winter weight ain’t gonna gain itself. Why not get a head start this fall on that 10 pounds that you know is just waiting to come out of hibernation and make an appearance on your ass. It’s coming. We can’t run – we can’t hide. So buy the ice cream. Buy the chocolate covered, deep fried Twinkies (yeah, that’s a thing – I just spotted them in Wal-Mart). Don’t fight it.
Bulky sweaters and yoga pants
If there is one good thing about cold weather, it’s that you can hide your seasonal pudge under bulky clothes. Bring on the draped sweaters that remind us of Dorothy on The Golden Girls. Dust off the Yoga pants. Hey, you’re not fat. Your sweaters are big boned.
Subscribe to Netflix and get binging
Now that you’re well stocked with booze, empty calories, warm socks and clothes that hide your seasonal gluttony, you’re ready to not move from your couch until next April. There are so many amazing things happening on Netflix – all just waiting for your selection and gorging. Don’t feel guilty. What do you think bears have been doing all these years? Sleeping in their dens? No way. They’ve been watching Breaking Bad and Orange is the New Black like the rest of us.
Feature image via Flickr
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