Sistah Diaries

Finding the humor in chaos

The gross, the sweet and the disturbing: How to tell if a guy really digs you

At the risk of grossly generalizing, women can — at times — mind f*ck things, especially when it comes to men. We’re all in this together Sistahs. After more than two decades of anecdotal research, here are a few ways I’ve figured out if a guy really likes me or not…

They travel great distances to find you

I grew up on seven miles of Forest Service road in western Montana. Now that we’re not there to maintain the road anymore, people cross country ski on what used to be my driveway. That’s some remote shit. My first date drove two hours in a snow storm trying to find me. I joke that I married my husband because he was the only guy who drove straight to my house AND asked me out on a second date.

Not one bouquet of flowers, but two

I once dated a guy who brought me not one bouquet of flowers, but two. I don’t know why women are such suckers for this overture, but we are. If a guy, especially in this day and age, takes the time and trouble to drop by the grocery store produce department to buy you flowers, he really likes you. I’ve also had guys poach flowers from river banks, out of sidewalk flower pots and the occasional gravesite. It may not be as extravagant as receiving two bouquets of flowers, but it’s sweet just the same.

Etches your name in his arm

When I was in high school, I was sitting across the table from a guy in my class. One day, I’m sitting there, eating my cafeteria pizza covered in government cheese, and he rolled his arm over. “Look,” he said. I looked up from my Styrofoam tray to see my name etched in his forearm. “Uh, how did you do that?” I asked. He answered, “With a paperclip.” I wanted to say, “Please excuse me while I summons the school psychologist,” especially when he followed his revelation with, “I also think about you when I’m in the shower.” No, to answer your question, I didn’t end up in a dirt hole rubbing lotion on my skin, thankfully.

Farts in front of you/talks about poop

I was married for 21 years. Since my divorce I have dated guys in their 20s, 50s, and everything in between. If there is one thing I know, with all possible certainty, it’s that men never outgrow 8th grade humor when it comes to two things: Boobs and gas. Guys think anything related to farting is hilarious and if they do it around you, you know they REALLY like you. We should be grossed out by this, but it’s actually kind of endearing. (Let me qualify that statement by saying it’s only kind of endearing if he’s only letting loose occasionally — if he’s soiling himself from dawn to dusk — that’s not endearing. That’s grounds for termination.) And if men talk about pooping around you, they REALLY REALLY like you. Sure, all this showing of caveman intimacy may have you longing for the days when they didn’t really like you, but we have little choice but to embrace this fact of life. Ain’t love grand?

You can belch in front of them

I lack the strand of DNA required to compete with the boys when it comes to flatulence. However, having been raised by a gunsmith/outdoorsman who wanted boys and had three girls, I was raised like a boy. Belching was celebrated in my home. I practiced and honed my skills and now I can belch longer and louder than most men (everyone has to be good at something right?). Dad was so proud, but I’ve learned not all guys think my special talent is that cute. Now, I don’t break out my mad skills on the first date, but after a while, it’s gonna happen. I know a guy really likes me if I cut loose with a several word belch and he doesn’t cringe in horror.

Covers you up in the middle of the night

I once had a boyfriend who wasn’t really given to romantic gestures in the conventional sense. But he used to cover me up with a blanket in the middle of the night, when I was sound asleep. If a guy is concerned with your comfort, particularly when you are unable to acknowledge or thank him for his thoughtful gesture, he REALLY likes you.

Tells you that you look pretty, when you know, unequivocally, that you look like hell

I had a boyfriend who told me I looked beautiful even when I wasn’t wearing any makeup and my hair looked a fright. It was always random times of day and we would be in random places – I knew he wasn’t saying it as a means to an end. A guy who tells you that you look pretty, when you know damn well that you look like Charlize Theron in Monsters, must REALLY like you.

He texts you the f*ck back

Uhhhhhhh. I’m not a junior-high texter. I might send 2-3 texts a day to any one person. But if I could sit all men down and tell them one thing, it would be “Text us the f*ck back.” We don’t even care what it is. “F*ck off.” “I hate you.” “I wish you were dead.” “I’m busy.” Whatever. Just text us back. It takes 10 seconds to type out a response. Don’t give us that “I’m too busy to text,” bullsh*t. It just makes you look rude. And by text us back I don’t mean two days later, when you’re drunk. Most of the men I know dislike texting, so if a guy actually takes the time to respond to your texts, he likes you. (P.S. You can do your part by not crashing his phone with endless Gone With The Wind text messages — ain’t nobody got time for that — men OR women.)

Image via YouTube
Kat Hobza

Kat Hobza

Festis and Festina's mom, Mateo's lady-friend, web mistress, mediocre fly-fisherwoman, sub-par golfer, brilliant dancer, expert whiskey drinker, professional smart ass and Media Empress/HBIC at sistahdiaries.com.
Kat Hobza

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