Sistah Diaries

Finding the humor in chaos

My family’s sinister plot to drive me crazy

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(Turns out, it’s a pretty short trip…)

My ol’ pappy used to say, “Life isn’t fair”…words that I often repeat to my own children in order to justify not giving into their constant demands. How true that phrase has proven to be, especially for wives and mothers. We work our butts off for our families, they do whatever they want, and when we demand better from them, they call US crazy. As unfair as it seems, however, I cannot deny that my family has caused me to say and do some pretty ridiculous things. See if you can relate to any of the following scenarios:

cabinets open

  • I walk into the kitchen and every. single. drawer. and cabinet is wide open. I proceed to slam said drawers and cabinets, muttering to myself about living with a pack of wild animals, and then I inevitably come up with some “brilliant scheme” to “fix their inconsiderate wagons,” and boy howdy am I gonna show them (I tend to talk like a cowgirl when I get frustrated…see? Again with the cray cray!). Of course, the brilliance of my plans begin to come into question as I consider the logistics of functioning in my own kitchen with all of the drawers and cabinets super-glued shut. Damn those beasts…they got me again!TP
  • As I sit on the toilet contemplating the one square of toilet paper left on the roll, the conversation in my head sounds something like this. “Wow, OK, so not only are ‘those people’ too lazy to change out the toilet paper roll, but they actually thought about it hard enough to leave one square so they could claim they didn’t use the last of it and therefore it was not their responsibility. Lazy AND conniving…awesome! I have done such a great job raising these kids…seriously though, why did they have to take so much after their father???? The real crazy kicks in as I vow to carry my own toilet paper with me from now on and remove all the other TP from the house. Ha!!! Take that you jerks!!! (By the way, this same general scenario plays out in the kitchen as well where “they” leave two morsels of cereal in the box or one sip of juice in the carton, etc., just so they won’t have to throw away that box or carton. So naturally I will never buy cereal or juice again! Uh huh, right!)
  • Then there’s my personal favorite…wrappers…EVERYWHERE! Now I know I don’t deserve any mother-of-the-year awards, and my parenting may have been a bit lax at times, but I’m pretty sure at no time in the 26 years that I have been a mom have I ever given my kids the impression that it’s OK to just drop your trash where you sit/stand and walk away from it. (OK, so there was that one time on vacation when my friend and I left a huge pile of pistachio shells on the poolside table for someone else to clean up…but in our defense, we had been washing the pistachios down with something that caused us to temporarily forget our manners…and my kids weren’t there to see it so it didn’t really happen right?) But I digress…

wrappers in the couchSo one day I was cleaning out that little pouch in the back of the sofa (I’m sure I lost something in there, I wasn’t actually cleaning), and I found no less than 4,325 string cheese and one million fruit snack wrappers (give or take). Whaaaaattttt???? Who does that? Who just unwraps their food, drops their wrapper and never gives it another thought?? Well, apparently everyone who lives at my house, that’s who. God help the poor child or husband who happens to be within earshot when I make such a discovery for they are treated to the full arsenal of crazy at that point. “What is wrong with you people??? Why haven’t you listened to anything I’ve tried to teach you since you were born? I should have turned you over to a pack of wolves at birth, you would have turned out better!!!!” And once again, the “solution” presents itself clear as day…I will just stop buying packaged food! Oh, and I will also make a RULE, yeah, that’s right, a rule stating that no one can eat outside the kitchen from now on. Gosh, why didn’t I think of this sooner? It makes perfect sense!

I could go on but I’m sure you’ve each thought of your own examples at this point. I’m sure we’ve all read about moms who freeze their kids underwear because they refuse to put it in the laundry basket or have taken the doors off  the hinges to their child’s room because the kid slammed it one time too many. I know a mom who had three sons and she actually taped all the toilets in the house shut and made her husband and sons use a port o’ potty in the garage for months because they refused to clean up after their poorly aimed attempts at peeing in the house. And the ultimate reward we get for our trouble? That shocked look on our family’s stupid faces when we finally flip out and one of them so “innocently” asks, “Geez, what’s wrong with Mom???” So yeah, call me crazy, but damn do I come by it honestly!!!!

Sharon Evans

Sharon Evans

Sharon Evans currently lives in Northern California. In the past 20+ years she has lived on the west coast, the east coast and a few stops in between. As a result of moving every few years, her hobbies include filling out mounds of “new student,” “new patient,” “new member,” and DMV forms for herself, her husband of 26 years and her four children (ranging in age from 15 to 26). Although an engineer by training, Sharon speaks fluent “sarcasm” and “sassy b*tch.” She enjoys golfing, reading and pretty much ANYTHING that will get her out of housework.
Sharon Evans

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2 Comments

  1. Lisa

    The struggle is real.

    Reply
    1. Sharon

      It certainly is!!!

      Reply

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