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There are certain hard truths that you learn once you are a woman of a certain age. These are reinforced when you are a single woman of a certain age who didn’t exactly plan to be here. Below are the lessons that I have learned by virtue of a combination of experience, observation, and trial and error. I don’t have daughters – but if I did, these are 20 things I would tell them.
1) Anybody can be hot when they are 23. Pity these fools. They have no idea what the F’ life is about to throw at them.
2) If you want something from a man, ask him for it. Ask him clearly, directly, without apology, and with no room for interpretation. If he loves you, he’ll do it. If he doesn’t – you have your answer.
3) If you find a man willing to put his best efforts towards affirmatively responding to any request made pursuant to Rule 2 above, respond with gratitude, not criticism. Sister, you hit the jackpot. Most men I know live in fear that their best efforts won’t measure up to the challenge of a Rule 2 Request due partially to the feared fall-out, but mainly because he loves the requesting party. So really, in the end, his best efforts are all that matter. Cut him some slack. He’s showing you he loves you. Or at least he’s trying to! He signed up to be a life partner, not a man-servant. Just like you didn’t sign up to be a house maid. Never take his love for granted.
4) Men have absolutely no idea what you want for Valentine’s Day.
5) In love, war, negotiations, business, and in life: Know what you want. It’s the only way you will ever get it, and the only way you will ever recognize it when you have it.
6) Cougars are ridiculous. Find a grown ass man. And don’t tell me that men do the same thing. It’s no excuse. Those men are ridiculous too.
7) Bad boys are only compelling because they are unfulfilling. A relationship with a grown man is compelling because it is fulfilling. Don’t confuse the two. (I always have to remind myself of this one).
8) Slutty behavior isn’t empowering. It’s just slutty. It doesn’t matter which of the sexes is engaging in the slutty behavior. Still slutty.
9) The old adage that: “Anything boys can do girls can do better” should be modified as follows: Most things that boys can do girls can also do. More significantly for chicks who may characterize themselves as ‘feminists,’ most things that girls can do boys can also do. There is no “better” at the end of either sentence. Better doesn’t matter when you are just trying to get through the day. This rule only applies to “most things.” Most things include but are not limited to: laundry, taking out the trash, lifting heavy objects, parenting, vacuuming, making sandwiches, earning money and saving it. Childbirth and peeing standing up anywhere unfortunately fall outside of the category of “most things.”
10) The most offensive thing I have ever had a significant other say to me is: “Why are there dirty dishes in the sink?” The hard lesson I learned was: There are no responses to that question that don’t include F-Bombs. So, if somebody ever asks you that – let ‘em rip.
11) Stop having emotional arguments. You will never win an emotional argument. You may get patted on the head. You may get shushed. You may even get what you think you want at the moment you are throwing your temper tantrum. But “winning” an emotional argument will never, ever make you correct, and it will never ever get you what you need in the long run. Seriously sister, everybody else’s emotions are just as important as yours. You are the one in charge of validating your emotions – so validate them yourself. How? If you are in a situation that makes you feel bad, sad or mad; do something –change it or get the hell out of it. It would be especially helpful to the rest of us if you would stop with these damn emotional arguments in matters of politics and employment.
12) You’ll never change him. Ever.
13) Men aren’t selfish assholes. People are selfish assholes.
14) Navy SEALS are hot. They are hot because they absolutely know what to do if (1) somebody breaks into your house; (2) you are scared someone will break into your house; (3) something inside or outside of your house breaks; or (4) there is a rat or other variety of rodent in the immediate vicinity. I realize you don’t need a Navy SEAL to have the aforementioned knowledge but a man who knows who he is and who is willing to lay it on the line for somebody else is worth my time. Although I am self-confident and accomplished in a myriad of ways, these are examples of times where I am strong enough to admit I’m incapable of providing that feeling of security in my own home. A man that can provide that kind of security is hot. Hotter still: one that also voluntarily takes out the trash and mows the lawn.
15) There are worse things than being alone.
16) In matters of physical appearance, including but not limited to: fashion trends, hairstyles, makeup, plastic surgery and botox there are only two rules: (1) Never say never; and (2) Enough is enough.
17) Sometimes, you really shouldn’t have dessert. But then again, nobody wants to hang out with that bitch who never has dessert. So, pick the right times to avoid it.
18) I am mortified to confess that I got this one from that TV Show, Wife Swap, but it is so very true: God didn’t make ugly women; he just made lazy ones. Just because some freakshow who voluntarily appeared on Wife Swap said it – doesn’t make it any less true. I am being real with you right now, Girl. The only thing less appealing than a woman who looks like she gave up, is a woman who actually did. True beauty doesn’t require any sort of mathematical formula. There is no magical weight, or hair color. Beauty is not something physical gifted from the Gods. Beauty is within all of us but the location of it so that it may be displayed to the outside world requires both effort and self-respect. I have never known a beautiful woman who doesn’t apply both principles to all her endeavors. So, never stop working on yourself, inside and out, and always put your best face forward. (Plus, it won’t kill you to put on some lip gloss).
19) Despite number 18 above, there are occasions where elastic pants are mandatory. With the exception of the gym, none of those occasions occur in public.
20) Happiness is the journey. It is NOT the destination. Stop saying I will be happy when . . . Figure out what makes you happy, and then go do it. Tah Dah. Happiness. The rest will fall into place.
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