Being single sucks. There, I said it. Online dating has ruined the concept of finding someone cool and putting in a little effort so you can have something worthwhile. Now people date each other, may even like each other – but apps like Tinder have made us lazy. The second something becomes anything that resembles work, folks exit stage left because they know they can be swiping right within the hour.
That’s why you have to have a sense of humor and make your own fun when you’re single. Which is exactly what a friend and I do by playing, “How you doin’?” in a bar. And recently, over drinks, we discussed adding “You’re dead to me.” Here’s how it works…
“How you doin’?”
Before you leave for the night, practice the line Joey Tribbiani from Friends made famous – “How you doin’?” Watch this video until this phrase rolls off your tongue naturally:
The subtle nuances are important, particularly the head nod. Practice in the mirror until you get it right.
This is a vital step. There is no way you will pull this off without a couple drinks. Notice I said, “a couple.” If you get sloppy, your impersonation will suffer, and you’ll just look like a wackadoon. OK, you’ll look like MORE of a wackadoon.
Don’t try this without a wing-gal. You’ll need someone to laugh with and to make snarky comments under your breath to.
Check your teeth and your breath
Don’t skip this crucial step. You want people to laugh with you, not at you. Nothing will derail this exercise in surviving singledom like a piece of cheese lodged in your teeth or if your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
Work it, own it
Now that you have the head nod down, you’ve got some of Grandma’s cough medicine in your gut, you’ve got a wing-gal, and your breath doesn’t smell like something died in your mouth, you’re ready to make a complete ass of yourself.
Start at one end of the bar, and make your way down the bar, one stool at a time. Choose your victims wisely. Go for the people who look like they can take a joke, skip the ones who look like they’d like to turn you into a skin suit. Don’t stay too long in one spot. Say, “How you doin’?” with a head nod and a wink, pause long enough to join your victim in a smile or a giggle and promptly move on to the next victim.
If your victim doesn’t get it, that is why your wing-gal is there. She’ll already be laughing hysterically and you can say something snarky about the person who didn’t appreciate your jack-assery. Feel free to take turns with your gal-pal too. You can Joey Tribbiani one patron, and she can Joey Tribbiani the next.
“You’re dead to me.”
Here’s a little spin my friend and I recently put on this game. My friend and I typically like to play this game out of town, where no one knows us, but let’s say there is someone in your life who is pissing you off, and you know where they hang out. Follow all the aforementioned steps, saying “How you doin’?” to everyone at the bar, but when you get to the individual who is making your life difficult, pause and say, “You’re dead to me,” and then proceed to the next person with a “How you doin’?” Say “You’re dead to me” in your best husky, Jersey, mobster voice. I haven’t actually tried this yet, but the very idea of it has me in tears. I’ll let you know how this plays out once I get the balls (read: enough whiskey in me) to do it. Something tells me it’s going to be a classic, “That went better in my head” moment.
Also, after reading this, I’ll save you the trouble of saying it. “Small wonder my friend and I are single.”
Feature image via YouTube
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