Sistah Diaries

Finding the humor in chaos

A 12 Step program to end drunk texting

So you don’t need 12 steps, exactly, you just need a few. But if you’re like 99% of single people out there, you definitely need them. Nothing is worse than waking up the next morning and thinking “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God” followed by “I didn’t. Please tell me I didn’t” only to realize you did. Cue the self-loathing. Then we’ll go right ahead and amp up the humiliation factor when the recipient of your late evening, drunken correspondence doesn’t get back to you. I have “a friend” who has done this more times than she cares to count, and here is what I’ve learned — from my friend…

There’s an app for that…

Of course, there’s an app for that! And there isn’t just one app, there are several. Just google “app for drunk texting” and revel in the names alone…

Drunk Text Savior

Drunk Lock

Drunk Mode

Are you out of your f*cking mind? Put the Goddamn phone DOWN!

OK, I made that last one up. But if your drunk texting has gotten out of control, and apps are your thing, take one of these for a spin.

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Note to self

This is how “my friend” stopped drunk texting. She considered just removing everyone’s number that she was reaching out to after she had about 3 whiskey/diets in her belly, but she knew that was impractical because you can still FB message, e-mail… there are just too many ways to send someone a sloppy message if you really want to.

Instead, she went into the “memo” app on her phone, and wrote a “note-to-self” that she made herself read whenever she got the urge to humiliate herself through buzzed texting. She wrote things like, “These people NEVER text you first” and “These people don’t respond” and “You will feel like drowning yourself in the river tomorrow morning when you read the texts you’re thinking of sending tonight.” The key to ending drunk texting for good is to check yo self, before you wreck yo self.

power off

Image credit:Josh Valcarcel/WIRED

Shut off your phone

Shut your phone off before you leave the watering hole and leave it off. Just having to go through the act of powering up your phone will give you the time necessary to think through your poor decision and you’ll remember why you shut it off in the first place – because you, your Smart Phone and booze don’t mix.

Text people who love you

This was the other practice “my friend” incorporated in her 12 step program to quitting drunk texting. It dawned on her that she was reaching out to people (men) she cared about, although she wasn’t sure why. Just to be nice? Just to check in? Just to say hi? A lack of attention? Wanting to strike up a late night conversation with someone she had fond memories of?

The truth was, these people (men) were not her real friends. They never texted her first and they rarely texted her back (even though she wasn’t a Stage 5 Cling-On texter – she might have reached out to these people once every couple of weeks).

My friend realized that alcohol made her love everyone, and she wanted everyone to know it. But she needed to focus that adoration where it belonged – on her kids – who loved her most – or her girlfriends who always had her back and did text her first and did text her back. Why was she wasting her affection on people who didn’t want it or return it? If you’re going to drunk text someone because you feel like you need to share the love, share it with people who love you back!! You are never going to wake up the next morning and think, “Oh, sh*t — I told my son I love him last night.”

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Drop your phone in the toilet

It may seem drastic, but watching your phone die a watery, disgusting death is better than the shame, humiliation and self-loathing that comes with drunk testing. Trust me, my friend told me so. It may set you back a couple hundred bucks, but can you put a price on your pride?

Stop drinking

I just wanted to see if you were still reading this. Like that’s an option. I’ll give you a couple minutes to stop laughing. A better idea is to ask the person you’re drinking with to start texting you once they get home. Then you have someone to talk to for a minute before you get tired and pass out.

Kat Hobza

Kat Hobza

Festis and Festina's mom, Mateo's lady-friend, web mistress, mediocre fly-fisherwoman, sub-par golfer, brilliant dancer, expert whiskey drinker, professional smart ass and Media Empress/HBIC at sistahdiaries.com.
Kat Hobza

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